"RED"

I'm nervous ...

Each day while Emily's at school she'll call several times from the nurses office to say that she's cathed or that she's taken medicine. I know that sometimes she just needs to hear my voice so I try to be a little goofy when we speak so it lightens her mood. It's hard.

Today the call was different. Emily was so hard to wake today I thought she was going to be late. I washed, dressed and cathed her in her bed then finally stood her up to do her hair. She looked pale and sickly. My first call came at 10:05 am "Mom, I found it hard to cath at school, something is in my tube". A little reassurance that all is OK, I crack an inside joke then it's back to class with her.

1:00 pm and she just called. "Mom, my arms hurt". My heart jumped and I felt sick. "My arms hurt and both of my legs have been aching all day". I detect panic in her voice but spoke softly so's not to show that I feel it to. The nurse told her that she had to wait 25 minutes until her next medication is due and she didn't know what to do. The nurse is correct she does have to wait, her medication is strong and can't be taken close together but Emily is beginning to lose it. I send her to her beloved Mrs S. and hope she's in her room, I'm waiting for her to call me and say our code word, "RED". If I hear it I have to go immediately and pick her up but she wants to stay, she wants to do well at school and in just over a month she's never used it. I want to go there, I want to drop everything and drive there at top speed and rescue her from this situation but this is my torment. Setting her free to find a way to cope alone is both humbling and scary but necessary if she's going to lead a "normal" life. As Moms we rescue our children from harm, or so we should, but in this case I have to allow her to go out into the big bad world and learn to survive.

I'm going to wash my kitchen floor and keep myself busy until schools out, I'm going to try to let my anxiety wash away instead of consume me.