I'm frightened

I checked on Emily throughout the night, she finally woke around lunchtime. It's been a while since I've seen her that pale but she smiled at me when I stuck my head round the door.

I did my best not to smother her today, I want to, I want to wrap her in soft fleece and hold her on my lap all day but instead I asked her to wash, cath and dress. She ate a small breakfast and took her antibiotics and we discussed our plan for the day. She moved slow today but I don't care as long as we have movement. We cant go back to last year where she had contractures in her leg and foot.

I was fragile today, no sleep and the thought of my child hurting so badly makes me really tearful. I tell myself that everything will be ok, I do my best not to focus on past events, I try my hardest not to be negative but oh my god when you've seen what I've seen what are you supposed to do? When you've held your child for 18 hours straight without a break and they're in total agony what do you do?? I hate myself myself for having a feeling of dread, I know it doesn't help and I punish myself for it.

I'm frightened that Emily will go back to that total agony everyday and I'm frightened that her RSD is going to spread further. I'm scared that my family will fall apart and I'll lose control of everything again. That Tom will be pushed to the side and that the financial pit that we continue to find ourselves in will swallow us because of the medical bills. I just want everything to be ok. There, I said it. I just want Emily and Tom to lead a normal happy life. Is that so wrong?