Just a little outburst ...

Wow, where do I start?

Tomorrow is Friday and our garage sale. Due to our current financial "issues" we're selling as much as we can. This unfortunately means Pete's pride and joy, his boat. He bought it a few years ago and we finally finished paying it off this year, it sucks that it has to go, I feel so guilty. He bought me a kayak last year for my Birthday and even though I waited years to get one I think I need to sell it too.

I tried to make an appointment with Emily's pain management doctor (Dr F) on Wednesday only to be told that they are withdrawing this service at Cooks. Pain management will now be for post surgical kids. It took me 6 months to find a doctor who knew anything about pediatric RSD and this news quite simply made me cry. Doctor F called me later that day and said that my choice was to take her back to our previous PM specialist (totally out of the question) or go to Cincinnati to his friend and pediatric RSD specialist. Did he have to be so far away???? Dr F has a niece with RSD so I thought I'd struck gold when he agreed to take Emily, this is a bit of a blow.

I've had no patience with anyone this week. I'm trying hard to get healthy by going to the gym and eating well but it's just kicking my butt. It's been almost 2 weeks since I started the eating well portion and 3 weeks since I started at the gym and I feel better physically. Mentally I feel annoyed most of the time and rude people such as DR F's nurse have felt the sharp edge of my tongue. I think eating bad food dulls things for me and makes things easier to cope with. I've taken that away now and I feel panic struck and totally frantic to get things done. People are pulling me every which way and I feel like my body will break into thousands of pieces if they don't stop. Currently when I'm not dealing with Emily I'm working with the school. I'm trying to compile everything for Pete's CPA as well as run the back office for his business. He's doing a new business venture and although it's a good thing Its added to my workload. Keeping the house clean and organised is important to me and I get stressed if things are out of control. I'm finding that relating to Tom is hard sometimes because he's a boy and I feel guilty that I'm so over stretched I'm unable to spend the time I want with him. I run all of the finances in this house and I can never get away from this mess. I spend evenings trying to rob Peter to pay Paul and each day it weakens my soul. The medical stuff, ignorant people, people who want to add just one more thing to my already overflowing plate load, it all adds up.

Emily got turned down for the make a wish foundation today. I applied so that maybe she could do something wonderful. I know others who have been excepted without a "terminal" label so I hoped she'd get a wish. She really does deserve it and god knows Pete and I can't afford to do anything for her other than feed and clothe her.

Screw being positive, I HATE watching my child go through this day after day and I HATE that my son gets left out. I HATE having a massive job list before I get up each day. I hate needing charity to survive! I HATE that inside I feel so overwhelmingly angry, I can barely control it. I HATE that Pete has to sell his boat!I HATE people who are rude to me because they don't understand how truly fragile I am. I HATE dealing with the school. It's not the people it's the fact that I feel like an idiot each time I walk in there and that I have to constantly fill in paperwork to make Emily "special needs". I HATE that she has to be made special needs! I don't want her to be special needs, I want her to have her life back and I want her pain to STOP! Why did this have to happen? Why did Steve have to die? Stop this Merry-go-round, I want to get off. Someone please pass me a twinkie...